I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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