I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
