it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
