If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
