there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just blew my weed a kiss
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
