It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
