then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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