i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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