when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Randomize
