I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
