Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
