I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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