i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
