Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
