Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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