I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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