I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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