Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
