angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
