I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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