Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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