I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
