I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
