Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
