Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
