I just threw up on my dentist
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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