Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
