I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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