i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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