Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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