I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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