i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I need moral support for this bender
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
