your parents love me but you hate me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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