Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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