life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
