census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
