I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it's like heaven, but drunker
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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