4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
