If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
