nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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