I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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