I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
