I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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