god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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