I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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