glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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