He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
