And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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