my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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