Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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