i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
