i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
