just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
